Dear Mother,
I just turned 35, I am sure you would know that if you had remembered my birthday. At this point in my life I thought I had finally given up on you and gotten over the resentment, hurt, and bitterness that I have for you, but I don't know if I ever will. I believe the reason I will never get over this is because I am a mother now. I don't see how you gave up on your child before you even knew her, I don't see how you pretend that my life was ever anything normal after the people who raised me died, I don't see how you denied me the chance to say good bye to those people knowing good and well how much I loved them and how much they loved me. I also fail to see how you spend years trying to be my friend while I tried to be the adult because *someone* had to be. You put the fear of God into us that if we were honest about our home life that we would end up in worse places when you never wanted me anyway.
My son is 8, at 8 I was never as free as he is. I was never a child, I never realized how much you truly took from me until he hit 8 years old. It kills me, It breaks my heart and at the same time I see how strong it has made me and I thank you. I thank you for not being there, I thank you for showing me that the only person in my world that I was able to truly rely on was myself, I thank you for telling me that you never wanted me and how my grandparents only raised me out of pity and never truly loved me because it showed me your character and that not only were you selfish, but you were also vindictive and gave no fucks about who you hurt. The most important thing I learned in the absence of your love was that I was loved, for 8 years I was important, I was loved and I was cared for. Even if it was only for 8 years, I was loved and that is something that every child should feel.
For twelve years I believed I had a father who loved me, when you left and he stopped loving me you turned my world upside down in an attempt to make money off me by way of child support. You made me materialistic by promising me things I had never had like vacations and shopping sprees, at 12 I first felt hate, I hated you for that and I still feel horrible that you brought my possible father into my life and home and told me I had to pretend to not know because he didn't want me. you show up 20 some years later to tell me "he's dead" and walk out the door like it means nothing and then tell me that none of the testing ever happened even though I clearly remember it. You have played mind games with me my whole life in regards to my father and you still claim you don't know who he is.
At 13, I was sexually assaulted by an adult that you trusted with me. I never told anyone until I was 33 years old. 20 years I held that secret because I couldn't trust you to believe me or even care. 20 years I lived in a dark hole and people wonder why I have depression and anxiety issues. When I finally did tell you, you brushed it off, like it meant nothing. I guess to you, it did mean nothing. I am sure it is hard to care about something that deep to someone when you hold so little regard for that person.
When my brother took the simple sibling arguments too far and physically abused me, broke my finger, choked me with a phone cord, poured beer on my head and called me every name in the book, I was always chastised for it. Your words were "stop antagonizing him". There is never an excuse for the things he did to me, there is no excuse for the fighting I had to do just to not be physically and verbally abused at the hands of my brother. You can blame his anger issues, but that is no excuse for what I endured and it only showed to prove that you cared more for him, his feelings and his issues than you did about me.
I have learned, despite the abuse, despite the neglect, and despite the loving, nurturing home that I should have had that I will be ok. I will survive anything that comes my way, and I will thrive in the face of adversity. I managed to make it through childhood, through adolescense, and through adulthood without you. I have been beaten, kicked when I am down, spit on, homeless, starving, and worse and I am still standing. I am still here and I am unbreakable. You do not get to take any credit for that, I did that. I made it through college and obtained a college degree, and I did that, you get no credit. I found a good job and fell into a family that loves me, I did that, not you.
The only time I see you is when you need something or when some tragedy befalls this "family", we pretend like nothing has happened, we pretend we are happy and that we love each other, we put on the show we have been performing my whole life. We do this dance over and over and I can finally perform the steps without even thinking about it. Today I found out that you left for your new life in Colorado the same way I found out about your plan for this new life in Colorado, through Facebook. You are completely comfortable telling the world your plans before you even bother to tell your "daughter", you didn't even bother say good bye, you couldn't even muster a "good bye" text to your child. I am sure I will never hear from you again as long as you don't need money, I am sure I will get a text from one of your sons at some point after you pass and I can't even bring my self to promise that I will be there to say goodbye, because I am not sure it is worth my time or effort, plus, how do you say goodbye to someone who never wanted you?
So, now its time for me to say Thank you. Thank you for reminding me on my 35th birthday that I can't rely on you to even do the minimum, that I can't expect people to love me or even like me, thank you for reminding me that my son is my world and that all he truly needs is my unconditional love and support, thank you for reminding me that I am resilient, and thank you for reminding me that I deserve better. I have gotten to a point in my life that I never thought I would be at. People see me and think "Look at her, she seems well adjusted, she must come from a decent family", I do, and that decent family has been in heaven for going on 27 years.
Enjoy Colorado and I hope you finally outrun whatever it is that you're still running from, I hope it was worth the cost of my happiness and my well-being.
