Monday, July 22, 2013

You can't get rid of me that easily.....

Today was definitely a test in patience. I learned today that I never really take the easy way out, I have had plenty of options to take the easy way out of many situations, I just never choose to. It seems like a cop out to me, I have watched so many people in my life take the easy way out, be lazy or just not do something because it was easier to not do it. Not me, I push and push and push until I either break through or get angry because I think I might have to give up.

I stayed with a man for 12 years when neither of us were really happy, because I believed it would work and it would change into what we both wanted, It didn't. I dated another guy for two years who was mean and just didn't want what I did because I thought he would eventually come around, he didn't. I let my mother constantly criticize me, talk down to me and treat me like I was lesser than my brothers for 31 years because I believed that was all I was worth, It wasn't. I let someone who I thought was my best friend boss me around for years and years because I thought I wasn't smart enough to make worthy decisions for myself, I was. My point is.... I don't give up easily but when I do finally give up on something it is because there is no point in holding on anymore and I really let it go. I've learned to not look back, I've spent too much of my life looking backwards. I allowed crappy people into my life, I allowed them to treat me badly, I allowed them to hurt me....

I spent the last 4 years praying, crying, changing, doing everything I could think of to be the girl I used to be. I used to be fun, I used to be positive, I used to be confident (at least to some extent) and most importantly I WAS STRONG. I was a tough cookie, It took a lot to break me and over the years I had allowed myself to become weak, to become a victim, to become dependent, to become needy, to become validated only by others instead of myself. 3 years ago I finally decided to do something about it and change who I was, it has been a long road and a tough road, but I want my son to see me as someone who never gave up. I want him to see a woman who fought against every adversity, who knocked down every wall in her way. I want him to see me at my best. I want him to see a woman who didn't need anyone else's validation. A mother he can be proud of and say "my mom never gave up, she made the best of everything she had and did, and that's why I am proud to be her son"

I want him to know that you can never be beaten unless you allow yourself to be beaten. I will not be beaten. I am finally in a good place in my life, I still have roadblocks placed in front of me daily and I have to fight past them, but I realize how blessed I am. I have surrounded myself with a small group of people who are good to me, they listen when I need to talk, they encourage my successes and support me even in my failures, They make me more aware of how good my life has become. I love them, I am thankful for them and I am happy I found them. Family is not always blood, more often than not it is the people you handpick to be in your life, they care for you even when they don't like the choices you've made and they are always there when you need them. I am very lucky to have the family that I have found, it is the family that I have always dreamed of and I am very blessed to have them and I am very blessed to finally know who I am and who I was always meant to be.

I am tough, I am worthy and I am still here. You can't get rid of me that easily.........

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully stated.. It's a life lesson I had to go thru myself. It's worth all the struggles in the end. Hang in there