Monday, April 22, 2013

I've done everything I can to keep my mouth shut, but I just can't hold it any longer.

It's no secret that I have a spotty relationship with my mother, It's no secret that she didn't want me and only kept me because my grandfather made her (because she's clearly told me this little tidbit of info) and it's no secret (to most people that really have known me for years) that I am on my own in this world, a virtual orphan, if you will.

I have always tried to cut her some slack and believe that she wasn't purposely putting my brothers above me. I've always said "she wasn't a bad mom, she just had a hard time, she always did the best she could", I just can't say I believe that anymore. My mother has always bent over backwards for my brothers, when I dropped out of high school she told me to "get a job and pay rent, move out or go back", I went back. My brother dropped out and she still lets him live rent free with her (although he does help with food occasionally). When I had to come back and live with her after my separation, she charged me rent.......guess who has never paid rent. I don't believe Christmas is about gifts, but when she told me that she would have to buy gifts after Christmas because she didn't have money I assumed (stupid me!) that this applied to all of us, of course when my fiancee and I showed up we realized quickly that it just meant him and I. We noticed this while my baby brother was playing a brand new PS3 and opening another gift and my other brother was opening gifts for him and his girlfriend (no surprise that I felt like a total moron). There are multiple other occsions that I could point out, but really, what's the point? My mother denies that this is the case. She is adamant that she treats us all the same and that it is all in my head. She starts the pity party and tells me about how she knows I think she is a lousy mother (even though I've never said this to anyone, including her) and how she is going to run away to Alaska, Maryland, or whatever state she thinks of in the moment.

The latest favortism? My mother did not have a cell phone, I knew she could really use one for work and such, so I asked Chris if I could add a line to his account for her, he was hesitant but agreed. I told her before buying it that it was a 2 year contract and I could not afford to pick up her part of the bill so I needed to know that she was committed to the line and would make the payments. She assured me that she would. Now, less than a year later she can no longer afford the phone and has decided she is no longer paying for it ("but will pay me once she has some extra money"). I find out tonight that she has taken over my brother's girlfriends old phone line on his account (but is supposedly just paying this month and then he is gonna pay the whole month from now on) so that he does not get stuck having to pay the ETF......WHAT?!?!?! yet, I have to either pay an ETF or a monthly bill because she can't afford it? but she can afford to pay the bill this month?! well, what about the money you owe me?! how about paying me what you owe me before you pay my brother's phone bill?!?!?!?! Am I the only one who sees what is wrong with this picture?!

I am at a loss for words, as soon as I read that in my brother's text I just started crying...... I mean, I always suspected but in the last year it has become blatent..... I know I am alone now, It doesn't really surprise me.....I've always kind of known it..... guess I've never really wanted to admit it.


  1. I have no idea how your blog address popped into my bar, when all I did was type in "www.I" (I was looking for Ikea!) But, now that I've found it and read this entry, I'm so glad I did. I'm so sorry that your mother treats you so badly. I have a father like that, I get it. The best advice I can give you is to just walk away. Her behavior will never change, but you can change yours! Walk away, quickly. You are allowed to turn your back on people who hurt you. I did it and as soon as I did, life got a lot better!