It took me 29 years to learn this and I am proud to say that I finally have.

I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me & accepted way less then I deserve. But, I have learned from my bad choices & even though there are some things I can never get back & people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time & will not settle for anything less then I deserve! ♥ --This was a facebook status by one of my friends and it got me thinking.

I have absolutely made bad choices, they finally led me to an amazing place though. I've let people take advantage of me and treat me badly, and occasionally there were people that I let do this more than once. I have accepted completely abhorrent behavior, because I loved someone or truly believed that I didn't deserve anything other than that. I know better now.

I've made three major choices in men lately and each is very different in comparison. Andrew, Phil and Chris....

There was Andrew, my ex husband, friend, and father of my son. Andrew and I just couldn't make it work... We did have a few good years and then we just weren't good together anymore. We were convinced that we loved each other enough to make it work and we tried....for a long time, we tried. After about 5 years I don't think either of us was happy anymore, but we held on for many more years. I think we were both just scared to be on our own. We had grown up together, we had been through so much together, we had learned so many lessons together and had such an intertwined life in every aspect that we just didn't think there was any other option. Neither of us knew how to let go and walk away. Andrew finally found a way to drive us apart and when we started to fix that, I found another, more final way. We both waited to walk away until it was too far gone to do anything else, we made bad choices and hurt each other, we didn't feel we had any other choice, I guess. The seperation over the last two years has been painful at times, and we have fought more times than I can count, and really I think it is because we still care about what happens to each other and we still care for each other. We just know it's never going to work and we are not good for each other or our son. Keegan deserves better than that, and so do we. We have recently found a way to be friends again and I am grateful for that, I love him, but I am not in love with him and I think he feels the same. He will always be my friend and partner in raising our son, we have created a strange yet functional family for our son and I for one am proud of the family that we have created for him. A lot of people don't understand the dynamic of Drew and my relationship, and that's ok. We know it is unconventional. but that is just who Drew and I have been, unconventional.

Then, there is Phil. Phil was my best friend, my protector, my shoulder to cry on. We would have done anything for each other. Then I found that I was falling for him and I thought he was falling for me, I will never know if that is true or not. I know he cares about me, but with all the "hot and cold" behavior over the on and off relationship of almost two years, I will never know the truth and that makes me sad that he couldn't just open up and show me himself in that aspect. Phil has ever learned how to love, in my opinion. Maybe he never believed he was loved, or was never able to see when someone loved him, I don't know but I hope one day he does see it and can love someone...... he deserves that. I have worked hard to put us back in the friends category and forgive him of the things he did to hurt me, it gets easier day by day. A lot of people don't understand why I try to hold on to our friendship after everything and all the heartbreak that has happened, but I understand it. He has been a huge chunk of my life and I don't want to lose that, it would be like losing a limb. I hope this can be fixed and we can be friends again, and we are getting there...with careful steps and time. We just might surprise everyone.

And Chris..... What can I say about a man, who has in a short month completely changed my life. I have spent so much time LOOKING for love, only to be let down, hurt, bruised, beaten and heartbroken. I have always been told that it would just happen and I never believed it would happen to me, maybe others, but not me. I don't think either of us had any idea what would happen when he kissed me that night and asked me to dinner the next day, but we are both amazed every day by this love that has just happened. I have never met a man that fascinates me as much as he does. He talks and I just can't stop listening cause I can't even imagine what the next thing he is going to say is. I love the way his mind works cause it is so similar to mine in some ways and yet so different at the same time. I love the fact that he wants me and it's because of who I am, not any other reason. He gets me, that has never happened before and it is the one thing I have always wanted. I don't think anyone in my life has ever fully just understood me and who I am, but he does. I can't wait to see what happens in the coming years and see where we end up. He is my happy ending and I couldn't imagine a better person to fill that space.

Each of these men hold a special place in my heart and it is for good reason that they are the three that play some of the most important parts in my life. Yes, I have been let down and taken advantage of in my life, but each time was a lesson and I've learned a lot in 29 years. I wouldn't trade any of the bad times in my life, I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without the bad times. I have learned that you can't have the good without the bad, you can't fully apprieciate love until you have been heartbroken, and you can't apprieciate being treated right until you have been treated badly. I am who I am, I like me, I am blessed every day to have the people in my life that I do and to have experienced what I have. Not everything in life is good, but it is all worth it. It took me 29 years to learn this and I am proud to say that I finally have.

what if.......

have you ever thought about what your life would be like if you had done just one little thing differently? Every choice you have made in your life has shaped who you are as a person. Realistically, If you changed even just one choice that you think is inconsequential in your life then that leads to the next choice that came after that, and the one after that, and the one after that.....

I have been thinking a lot about the choices I have made in my life. I do my best not to regret anything I do in my life, no matter how bad the outcome. I realize that even just one misstep in my life can lead me to amazing places if given enough time. I have been through enough heartbreak in my life to turn me into a cynical, bitter person, yet I have refused to let that happen. I have cried, picked up the pieces and grabbed my glue gun and bedazzler to try and repair the damage that was done. I have trusted the wrong people in some parts of my life, I just learn from it and move on and hope that the next person I trust is not going to take advantage of my good nature, I refuse to let it stop me from giving.

I have been asked numerous times how I continue to love, believe, cherish, hope, pray and just know that love exists....how I just continue to be open to the possibility that someone will love me the way that I think I deserve, even after all the heartbreak. What other option do I have? Sure, I could close myself off and believe that everyone will hurt me, believe that I will never be enough, or that everyone lies or leaves....but, in the end, who am I hurting? Myself.

I have been up and down, in and out, and round and round, but I will always believe that love exists, miracles happen and fate can change anything. There is too much bad in this world for there not to be a counter action. No one ever said that love or life is easy, but the ride is definitely something to experience and cherish. At least for me it is.... I want to be old and telling my grandchildren about the amazing, fantastic things I have seen and felt, The loves I have had, the life I have lived.

There may have been tears, but there were smiles and wonderment too.... the tears are just temporary lessons on the path to who I am meant to be. As children we are taught that we can be anything we want to be.....I just want to be a loving, faithful, caring, compassionate person who still believes in the magic and beauty that this world has to offer. I don't care about being rich or having material possesions to show off,  I would rather have amazing children, a real life true love story, and the belief that there is still some magic to see in this world that I can't explain....when I have achieved this, that will be enough for me.

Beauty and magic are everywhere, you just have to believe enough. I challenge each and every one of you to look again, look deeper, take a few extra seconds to just really look (Don't worry, that meeting, phone call, store, errand or anything else that seems so important today will still be there in 20 seconds). Believe that you can see it and just look. Don't let previous errors in judgement, previous pain, tears or cynicism stop you, cause it is when you stop that you die.....keep going and open your heart to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, something in this world (whether it be god, fate, angels, buddha...whatever you believe in) knows better and can give you what you need.

As humans, we are built to make mistakes, we are not meant to be perfect. We are made to forgive, forgiving someone is not weakness....it just means that you are strong enough to realize that someone messed up. Remember, it is always easier to ask for forgiveness that to wait for permission. Love, with all your heart (even if it has been broken before), open your eyes and see what others refuse to, think outside of the box, don't be afraid to be different, give more than you recieve, help someone (there is always someone who needs a helping hand, but is too afraid to ask for it), open your mind and believe that there could always be a better way, just be yourself or hell, just be.......