I have potentially always had depression, but I was not diagnosed until 2012. I had been laid off from my job, my relationship with my mother was shit, my family was pretty much non existent and I had no idea what I was going to do from there. I was unable to do little more than lay in bed and stay in my pajamas all day. No matter what I wanted to do that day, no matter how many plans I made the night before I just couldn't get moving the next day.
The worst part? I never knew when it would hit.
In our society, Depression, anxiety, bi-polar, schizophrenia, addiction and the like are all swept under the rug. They are diseases that are to be kept hidden and to be ashamed of having. Very few is said about them and therefore most people do not have any idea how devastating they can be, especially depression.
Depression is all encompassing, It's suffocating, and all you see if the darkness that it delivers and all you want is a moment of peace. A moment front he voices that tell you that you aren't good enough, that everyone would be better off without you, that you don't matter and are insignificant.
When I heard about Robin Williams today I cried, I cried for his kids, I cried for his wife, I cried for him and I also cried for me. I was lucky, My husband (who was mearly my live in boyfriend at the time) pulled me out of my depression. When I cried and tried to explain why I was crying he asked me "How did I pull you out?". It was a question I couldn't really answer, I just knew that he had pulled me out. I also know that currently he is very understanding when I have a "depression day" as I like to call them. If only everyone had someone that could pull them out, If only everyone COULD be pulled out......
I was lucky, Mr Williams was not, Lots of people daily are not......and that just breaks my heart and makes me cry whenever I hear of one of us losing the fight.
Just remember, you never know how dark it is in someone else's mind, you never know what they are thinking, you never know how bad they feel or what struggles they are dealing with. Be Kind. Be Loving.
I had the chance multiple times to end it all, I have heard the voices telling em that I am not good enough, that I am not needed, that I am not wanted, that I am alone....... I was lucky enough to beat those voices and be happy for the first time in my life.
Just because I am finally happy does not mean that it doesn't still affect me, I still have "depression days", I still hear the voices, I still have trouble getting out of bed some days, and I still hurt daily inside. I still pretend I am OK and happy, even when I am not, because I don't want my husband or son to worry, but I still suffer daily..... and I always will.
RIP Mr Williams. You were an inspiration and a great man, you made generations laugh and feel. You will take a piece of each of us with you and I pray that you found the peace you were looking for.